Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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