You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
