My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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