ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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