new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
