dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
