I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
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I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
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The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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