finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
