i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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