so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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