I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
