If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Send help, water and tortillas.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
