Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
