I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
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My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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