Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
