Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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