We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
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Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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