I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize