walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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