No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
