her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
she told me i tasted like america
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
