homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
