Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
