Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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