a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
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