I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
