I'm jealous of your bromance
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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