Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
