What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
