Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
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I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
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