i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
