Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
