The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
