My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
