My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
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You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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