I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
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Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
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I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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