Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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