Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
