so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
