Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
