literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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