shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
