Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
