So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
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