ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
