onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
