i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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