You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
