My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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