hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
