Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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