I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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