Fine. I'll sleep in my office
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
