I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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