Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
