My underwear smells like fireworks.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dick very happy bro
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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